Thursday, April 14, 2011

Picture, Picture

I awoke this morning to be greeted by a link on my Facebook page to an article for a local news website. The article had a list of sex offenders living in the more "ritzy" areas of town ("ritzy" is their word, not mine). There was a list of pictures, or a parade of creeps, if you will.  And, as I pride myself on being accurate with my stereotypes, they all looked exactly like you would think a child molester should look. They'd all done time in prison. They were all, I'm sure, appropriately "scumbaggy". I am not defending their actions, in any way. I do, however, have some problems with this article... and this type of journalism, altogether.
First, they used the word "ritzy" which is outdated as hell. This is a word my mom would use to describe a clothing store where she couldn't afford to shop. In this article, it's fair to say, "ritzy" means a rich, white, neighborhood... Again, I have to remind you that my stereotypes are uncannily accurate. So, what the author of this particular piece is saying is that there are perverts living among the rich and the white, which is definitely news-worthy.
Now, as tempted as I am, to feel the need to post pictures to show the overprivileged how to detect scumbags lurking in their area, I have to believe that rich people don't like anyone lurking about. Especially brown, or dark brown, people. To be fair, all the perverts depicted were white, so it might be informative to let the rich white people know that white people can also be dangerous... as crazy as that seems.
As I have mentioned earlier, I am an awesome stereotype-er. I do it alot and have gotten pretty fucking good at it... So much so that I feel my use of the f-word is warranted, but I digress. In case you didn't know, this is what a pervert looks like...
He's a white guy.
He wears oversized glasses, often horn-rimmed.
He has a 1970's haircut, often unwashed.
He incorperates polyester into his wardrobe as often as possible.
Do I even have to mention the windowless van?
He is often a member of the clergy.
I know what you're thinking... You're thinking, "Goddamn it, she is a fucking epic stereotype-er". First of all, please watch your mouth, there are kids here. Secondly, YES! I am fucking awesome at it.
I have used my unsurpassed skill to illustrate something else at which I am particularly awesome, and that is... irony.
Some of you may have had the good sense to notice that I described the perfect model of a child molester to prove one thing...
Sometimes they DON'T look like this!
I know, I know, it seems frightening, and disheartening, that I can't provide you a foolproof way to feel safe to allow your kids to wander, hither and yon, without doing any more investigation to their whereabouts than just a quick glance. I understand that parenting can be a pain in the ass, I have better shit to do, as well.  But the simple truth is this... White people, you just have to watch your backs. 
Knuckle up, bitches. I mean, you live in "ritzy" areas. You obviously have the good sense not to be poor.
But, alas, if you don't want to do any parenting, you can trust that the hard-nosed journalists at the local press will squelch any possibility that your neighbor is diddling your kids...'s probably your brother that's doing it...