Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Losing My Mind

I woke up this morning from the most horrible nightmare I've had in a long time. Here's the gist... I was in a room, nicely decorated, with a bunch of the mean (gorgeous) girls I went to high school with fifteen years ago. They were mocking me and belittling me in a way they never did in reality. I woke in a cold sweat on the verge of a massive stress headache. Have you ever woken up with a headache because your dream was so fucked up? I do it on a regular basis. Very fucked up am I! I got up, thanks to my lovely two year old daughter. I was grateful that she nudged me awake, and proffered up her daily request for "cheesy eggs". As I was making the eggs, I chugged coffee because I couldn't escape the terror of the dream. The realization that frightened me so much after I had awoken... awakened? was the truth that the high school girls in my dream were all figments of my imagination... or, in essence, they were all me. I was mocking myself. I was stomping on my self-esteem. How is it, that after all these years, the best way my subconscious can think of to plunge me into depression is to manifest itself as the "in crowd" in high school.
Later in the day I had to make an appointment to have a house inspected. This house is a prospective home for my beautiful family. I want it to be our home. It is in a beautiful family oriented neighborhood, and is on a nice quiet street. If all goes well with our loan, we will have pulled off a sweet deal. We will easily be able to make the mortgage payments with just my husband's salary, and I will have the privilege of raising my two beautiful kids until they go to school. I, then, have the luxury of choosing whether, or not, I go back to work. This sounds like a wonderful life. It could be mine.
I was raised to believe that I couldn't expect any better than the bare minimum, and have not learned to stop believing this. My logical brain understands that I can have the life I desire, but my subconscious is a group of mean hotties that spend all night bringing me down. What can I do? I am in a deep state of emotional retardation. I want just relax, but life has a tendency of sucking. I just have to put that out there. I was blessed with a beautiful husband, daughter, and son. Can I have a little more? Just a little more? Do I have the right to ask, if not expect as much?
Oh well, here's to the great unknown.
Forty five days until closing. I guess that says it all.
Let the rants begin.